


Recollection

by Rose_Lattes



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Character Study, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, SPOILERS FOR EP. 49, post 49
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-10-17 22:16:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17568941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rose_Lattes/pseuds/Rose_Lattes
Summary: Post Ep. 49Caleb attempts to recover from the day's events but finds himself lost in the memories of his and Jester's relationship.





	Recollection

Caleb felt numb. The Mighty Nein carefully made their way through the mined tunnels. The group, weary and exhausted from the day’s events, fell into a semi-comfortable silence. Every so often, Beau would alert the others of hazards blocking their trail, as to prevent anyone from falling. They headed her cautions with as much energy as they could muster. Caleb took up the rear; he let his lights drift up to the front of the group, their soft illumination created sharp shadows against the cavern walls.

 

He was so adamant about keeping the heavy details of his past under lock, but he had to give his companions _something._ With Nott’s confessions about her past and the uncomfortable intertwining of his and her fates, Caleb felt as if he owed it to the others. It did well in loosening the pain that surged through his soul, but the feeling didn’t vanish, it transformed into something worse.

 

And despite skipping the most gut-wrenching part of his story, he still felt as if he disappointed his friends.

 

He felt as if he disappointed _her._

 

Jester had the knack to take everything in stride, she faced the day with a toothy smile, and it was something he had always admired about her. Perhaps that is why he was so scared of what he showed her.

 

He knew he wasn’t right; the voices told him, so every time silence permeated the air. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to protect Jester from himself, or the other way around. He couldn’t be rejected, he couldn’t lose the brilliance that she offered, if he simply didn’t tell her who he was. At least then, he could continue pretending he was not as damaged as his past suggested, and perhaps share a few more moments of peace with her.

 

Through the numbness, a heat emanated from his chest. It twisted until the beating muscle ached with what only could have been described as sorrow.

 

Her reaction to what he _did_ tell her was full of love and acceptance, and as much as he insisted that he was a bad man, she simply wouldn’t take it. And while he attempted to believe her, he still felt as if he didn’t deserve the level of care and consideration she showed him.

 

He tore his eyes away from the dirt. Jester walked ahead of him, unusually quiet. It broke his heart that she was there with them.

 

Over the past week, he could tell something was amiss, but he couldn’t find the courage nor the words to help her. He could only imagine the terror she faced while fighting that beast of a dragon. She watched her friends come to her aid, only for them to leave. Caleb liked to think that if he had known she was there, he would have offered her some form of his help. Now all he could do now was wallow in his regret.

 

It didn’t help that they returned to Nicodranas, a feat that wasn’t so little for Jester, only to turn around to face a new terror a few days later. Caleb felt the need to give the woman an opportunity for peace. Surely when she set out from home looking for adventure, she hadn’t had intended staring down the jaws of a dragon. He wanted her to have a home, for his sake. He simply prayed that the war wouldn’t tear Nicodranas to shreds.

 

Caleb wasn’t sure which one affected her more: the danger or the deception. He knew Nott and Jester were close. Nott told him as such. After every conversation between the two women the goblin – _halfling -_ would nearly brag about it. For all intents and purposes, Jester had been outright and honest with the group. And albeit Caleb was still speculative about her past, it was obvious she wouldn’t lie to them.

 

But over the course of a few weeks, nearly every one of her friends had come clean about something. It had to take its toll, yet the woman never stopped smiling. She never ceased to brighten the conversation, with her quick jests and juvenile pranks. How she kept her composure was a mystery to him.

 

The Mighty Nein stopped, the motion caused by Fjord raising his hand in a commanding gesture. They were at a fork in the road and wished to discuss the options moving forward. Caleb put his two cents in, but other than that, he couldn’t be bothered to care. It felt as if both of his lives, his past and his present, were crumbling around him and there was little he could do.

 

As much as he wished to preserve whatever it was that Jester saw in him, he knew the truth of his past would eventually crawl out, destroying everything in the process. He wasn’t sure what he would do then. The thought overwhelmed him.

 

They decided to make camp not that far from the fork. Cad started cooking, and Caleb made his rounds along their perimeter.

 

He recalled their conversation from earlier: Jester raised her brow and made a ridiculous face. “Do you like us though?” she asked. Caleb’s chest had seized in pain as he fought with his heart and his brain. He looked away from the Tiefling, glancing nervously between all of his companions. Caleb huffed, croaking out an affirmation.

 

Nott was gentle when she asked, “you do?” Nott’s surprise made Caleb even sadder. He cared for the woman, as she did for him. He wished she wouldn’t worry about his feelings towards her, even after all that she revealed to him, she still saved his life.

 

But for one reason or another, Caleb couldn’t respond to Nott. His silence built an immeasurable amount of tension between the group, and his attention was once again brought to Jester. The woman was plagued by an unusual bought of awkwardness; as if Caleb’s silence was worrying her. She raised her hands and did quick little dance in his direction, she smiled, her toothy smile, and he melted.

 

“Oh Jester,” he said. His voice trembled and he sincerely hoped no one noticed. He met her eyes. Despite being playful in their exchange, she was earnest and true to the moment. Her sincerity made him blush. She giggled: a light noise that made Caleb all too happy. His eyes darted to the ground. “I’m glad you see good in me.”

 

As he sat in their makeshift camp, he clutched his chest. He could feel his heart beating through his clothes, and for a brief second, he thought he was dying. Across the clearing Jester sat cross-legged as she read a book with an impressive amount of concentration. It was the book he had given her a few days ago — the romance novel.

 

Heat rose to Caleb’s cheeks, and he turned away. Despite feeling numb at the beginning of their descent into the tunnels, the contrary couldn’t be truer now. His mind swam with thoughts, and he was bombarded with feelings he couldn’t quite digest. He thought it best to retire for the evening, in hopes that tomorrow would bring him clarity.


End file.
